So a funny thing happened....

I just remembered I had a blog. I was reading someone else's blog and was like, hey, I think I had one of those. I even went to different sites to try to figure out where my blog was. Must mean like a ton to me, right?

No one follows my little blog. It's just for me. So much has changed since I wrote last. I am still at my highest weight ever. I still fight every day to not hate my body. But I still think I am confident and beautiful; I see my skinny friends have trouble believing those things about themselves. So all is not lost.

It recently dawned on me that when I get married in Las Vegas (in about 28 days) I will be fatter than I have ever been. I almost wanted to stop. Stop the wedding, stop the dress....everything, because of a number on a scale. I wanted to punch myself in the face for that thought. I have such a blessed existence, and here I am whining about a NUMBER ON A SCALE. It's extremely self centered and self-indulgent. There are places all over the world where women worry about the safety of their children, or when they will next be beaten. And this is my worry.

So the wedding will take place as planned, and I will be stunning. Not to toot my own horn (toot, toot), but my dress is gorgeous and my family will be there. The ones I love are healthy, happy and with me. And that is what is important.

It's totally against the fiber of my being

Going to the gym goes against everything I hold dear and true. I hate it. I'd rather take a freaking beating than go to the gym. What happened to me to make me run screaming from this place that so many (including my extremely buff fiance) L-O-V-E so much?

I can't really figure it out, except that it is so different from my usual routine of sitting on the couch and leisurely reading magazines and watching Food Network. I decided to take things slow, ease myself into the situation, and go to the gym (just to walk) for 30 minutes, 2 days a week. Easy, right?

On Tuesday I was actually quite excited about my speck of motivation. I went during my lunch break and trotted on down for a mile and a half. I mean, it wasn't fun. But it wasn't torture, either. But when I left it sucked to go back to work and then was dazed and exhausted and gross. I am hoping that will get better. I need to go again this weekend. Keep ya posted.

It seems I start over all the time.

I go through phases......with the weight loss mentality I mean. When I signed up for Weight Watchers, I was pretty motivated. For me, just signing up is a huge step. I like to believe that I really don't NEED to lose weight, contrary to all of the evidence around me. So I lost about 6 pounds or so, woo hoo. Then I just slowly stopped going and doing what I was supposed to. I hate having MASTERS!!! I know food is a master like no other, but it SUCKED to have to sit in those meetings, it SUCKED to total every little point I put in my mouth, and it SUCKED pretty much all around. So I just didn't do it. Now I am up to 240, which is the highest my weight has ever been. I knew I had gained, because it's harder and harder to put my jeans on, and just an all around uncomfortable feeling. *sigh* So I mope around yesterday, my mind an endless stream of things I need to do, things I should have done, what would happen if I did these things......It's really just exhausting. So being the semi-OCD darling I am, I made a little weekly list, showing the times I can walk and what I will eat for lunch, dinner, etc. It's right in front of me. So WHY is it so hard for me to follow? We will see as the week goes on.

Just thinking about dieting makes me starve. When I am not "dieting" I don't think about food constantly. But I do now. It has to be the way people think about drugs when they are an addict. It's just always there, lurking about.

Well, THIS start is a whole new one, so I will keep you posted on the weekly progress. My goal, I AM STATING IT OUT LOUD, UNIVERSE!!!.....is to lose 5 pounds by Feb. 1st. That is 21 days. I can do that, I have done it before. But that is usually as far as it goes, and then I gain 10 back......maybe not this time.

To begin....

I just started thinking about "blogging" this morning when I was driving to work. It seemed like a good idea not only to take up precious work time, but to maybe doucment some of the thoughts that go through your head when you are, like me, addicted to cheezit ( And various other foods, I might add).

I have so much to say, but it's almost lunch. So I will have to peace out for now, and tell you all about it later.